


The Axanar Script v.7.3 Bonus Posts

by Limulus



Series: The Axanar Critiques [2]
Category: Star Trek
Genre: Axanar, Essays
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 12:56:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19110094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Limulus/pseuds/Limulus
Summary: This work was originally posted on http://axanarsporking.wordpress.com/ in the summer of 2017. It is archived here for easy access.This work is part of a critical analysis of the Star Trek fan film script, "Axanar."  The script is the 7.3 version, which was referred to by Alec Peters as "fully revised and locked" in a Facebook post and referenced by CBS/Paramount in their copyright infringement lawsuit against Alec Peters and Axanar Productions.  It was published on Facebook by a former member of the Axanar team.  For context, see axamonitor.com.Star Trek is owned by CBS, and this script was written by Alec Peters and Bill Hunt.  These critiques are solely for the interest of Star Trek fan film fans. I claim no copyright on them in the spirit of free discussion.





	1. Structure

Spend enough time with any screenwriter and eventually you’ll hear more than you ever wanted to know about structure. The discipline, perhaps more than any other form of writing, is steeped in it. Whether you prefer [Syd Field’s broad paradigm](http://www.scriptmag.com/features/structure-and-breaking-in-an-interview-with-syd-field), [Blake Snyder’s precise beats](http://www.beatsheetcalculator.com/), or whatever-the-hell-it-is Tarantino does, there will be some structure to your story.

At least, there will be if you want it to go anywhere.

At it’s most basic, your story structure will be beginnings, middles, and ends, from an actor’s actions, to conversations between characters, to scenes, to acts, to the complete story. Beginnings, middles, and ends will be hidden in the subtextual themes and character arcs. They’re everywhere in a tightly written story. (A loosely written story will have beginnings, middles, and ends, but they won’t always match up correctly.)

What drives the transition between these beginnings, middles, and ends? A change in circumstances. This change could be anything from something internal to a character to an external disruption in the _status quo_. It’s followed by a response, either an attempt to return to the _status quo_ or a further change or something new. In any case, the constant play of action and reaction is what makes a moment, scene, or story dynamic.

When I say that the Ramirez scene in the Axanar script lacks dynamism, this is what it’s missing.

Let’s compare it to a similar scene from Official Trek. Indeed, let’s compare it to the scene it wants to be: [Earth’s distress when confronted with the alien probe in ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f1RBGvyhkOU)_Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home._ I’ve summarized for people unable to access YouTube right now.

The scene sequence begins with the probe approaching Space Dock. The officers in the control tower attempt to launch the ships, but they lose first the space dock doors and then power. They manage to switch to reserve power and warn Starfleet Command before going dark entirely. The probe then draws towards Earth, where it stops and sings. The oceans are pulled up into clouds, which build.

The story then jumps to the Klingon ship, only a little over an hour away from Earth. Unusually, there is no sign of Federation patrols and Uhura only gets “gibberish” on the comm. While she tries to resolve the communications issue, McCoy and Spock have a hilarious little conversation about life and death.

I’d like to take a moment to fangirl over the beauty of this scene. In these short plot-furthering exchanges, we also see a subtextual theme of the film: communication and when it breaks down. Not only is the film about a communication failure—Earth not having whales to speak to the probe—many of it’s greatest scenes are about communication or when it breaks down: Spock mind-melding with the whales, Kirk’s “colorful metaphors,” Chekov looking for “nuclear wessels” in Cold War San Fransisco, Spock relearning how to access his human side. Stunning.

The story cuts back to the probe—these scenes are short, which creates a sense of urgency. The clouds have turned into raging storms. A hurricane builds over Earth. This hurricane is reflected in a monitor where the Federation president turns away in frustration. A couple of redshirts report increasing cloud cover and loss of power around the world, but the Federation president is focused on the big picture: “how much of Earth is covered?” Admiral Cartwright responds by ordering a red alert and power switch to planetary reserves. Cartwright informs the president that they can’t survive without the sun, a fact of which the president is aware. The president then makes to exit, but is interrupted by the arrival of Sarek. They discuss the impossibility of communicating with the probe and Sarek recommends transmitting a distress call.

Aboard the Bird-of-Prey, Uhura picks up the distress call. It’s broken, but critical plot information makes it to Kirk in a truly dramatic speech. (It starts at 4:41) There’s stunned silence for a moment before Kirk asks to hear the probe song. Spock deduces that the probe is trying to contact a non-human life form, possibly aquatic, and Kirk has Uhura modify the signal. Next step: Find whales.

I believe this is what the writers of _Axanar_ were angling for with the Ramirez scene. They wanted to use Starfleet Command as a way of showing the scope of the war, as well as a place to introduce the Tony Todd character. Unfortunately, unlike the above scene, the _Axanar_ scene is dead in the water thanks to a repetitive structure.

As one can see in the clip (or hopefully pull out of my summary), there’s a constant forward motion in the scenes from _Star Trek IV_. There’s temporal progression in the cuts to the probe, which shows that Earth is in progressively greater trouble. On Earth, the scene progresses from laying out what kind of trouble Earth is in, to Admiral Cartwright enacting damage control measures, to the President deciding to make a distress call. The scene sequence involving the Bird-of-Prey starts by introducing a problem for Kirk et al. (which creates suspense in the viewer since we already have the information he needs), raising the stakes with the distress call, and then resolving as Kirk et al. use the information in the distress call to solve the problem and arrive at a course of action.

Not only do these scenes move forward in isolation, they reinforce each other (such as the cut from Space Dock going dark and the probe entering Earth orbit to Kirk et al. wondering why they aren’t being intercepted so close to Earth or Sarek’s recommendation that Earth issue a distress call to Kirk et al. receiving the call) so that the story moves forward as a whole.

In the _Axanar_ script, however, the scenes struggle to reinforce each other in a lovely way and their internal structure, particularly the scene in Starfleet Command, breaks down. What we have instead are two virtually identical scenes interleaved with two virtually identical scenes.

Ramirez talks with the Federation president about the unstoppable Klingon force. Ramirez gets a call from a starship in the middle of combat. It’s a bad situation. The call is cut short. Ramirez calls a starship in the middle of combat. It’s a bad situation. The call is cut short. Ramirez calls another starship.

I’d love to give you a more detailed summary like I did with _Star Trek IV_ , but this is all there is in terms of the actions and reactions that make up the structure of these scenes.

The repeat between the _Hercules_ and the _Ajax_ doesn’t really tell us anything new or heighten the tension (unlike the repeat between the _Saratoga_ losing power and Space Dock losing power in _Star Trek IV_ ). All we know is that bad stuff is happening in several different places. It all looks identical and may as well be interchangeable.

Furthermore, the viewer will struggle to care about watching people on a screen watch people on a screen. What the viewer needs to see is action. (This is the value of cutting between locations. You can cram more action into the same amount of time. Which would be more compelling, watching Cartwright get a video message from the _Saratoga_ or [experiencing the power outage alongside the _Saratoga_](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-fWlx5UhoM)?)

In _Star Trek IV_ , Cartwright takes two actions that serve to heighten the tension of the scene: he calls for Red Alert and he switches to planetary reserves. In _Axanar_ , Ramirez takes no actions whatsoever that affect the story. He passively receives information. In _Star Trek IV_ , the Federation president takes one action that heightens the tension of the scene and propels our heroes along their path: he makes a distress call. In _Axanar_ , the Federation president passively receives information given to him by Ramirez.

Finally, there are little things that contribute to the _Star Trek IV_ scenes that _Axanar_ lacks. For example, the Starfleet personnel in Official Trek are professional to the core. There’s urgency in their actions, certainly, but there’s no sense of “barely controlled chaos” in either their staging or direction. They aren’t running around with pads (or PADDSs) or talking over each other. Even when their lives are directly at stake, they’re doing their jobs with discipline. This discipline gives Starfleet and the Federation its own character, which is furthered by the President’s willingness to sacrifice Earth to save others. That nobility is utterly lacking the description of Starfleet in _Axanar_.


	2. Pastiche

We’ve finally hit the climactic moment of the script: the defeat of the D7 by Garth. Instead of seeing some brilliant new tactic, worthy of Kirk’s admiration, the audience gets a plan taken right out of two Trek films, _Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan_ and _Star Trek Into Darkness_. In short, Garth _et al._ use the _Wrath of Khan_ strategy of taking over the Klingon computer and forcing the ship to lower its shields, following it with the _Into Darkness_ strategy of transporting an armed torpedo aboard.

This approach is not a bad thing. Indeed, pastiche is a recognized artistic style within film (and the other arts). JJ Abrams notably uses it in his films, to mixed reviews from Star Trek fans. It is also frequently used in fan works, although generally for different reasons. Whereas professionals tend to use it to increase depth or comment on a work, amateurs mix-‘n’-match as they try to cram every single thing they love about a franchise into one story. In both cases, however, the form comes from a fondness or respect for the source material.

As the Battle of Axanar draws to a close, we see pastiche in two different ways. The first, is the taking of lines from _Wrath of Khan_ and remixing them. The second is in the melding of strategies from _Wrath of Khan_ and _Star Trek Into Darkness_.

One question to ask is, is this homage or plagiarism? Outside of academia, the difference between the two is frequently subjective. Perhaps the broadest definition would be “it’s homage if it’s done well; it’s plagiarism if it’s done poorly.” More narrowly, you can separate the two by looking at how much material is taken and the context in which it’s used. For example, a scene taken nearly word-for-word (or roughly paraphrased) from the original work, which serves the same purpose in the second story that it did in the original, would be a clear case of plagiarism instead of homage. If, however, the second writer took a unique scene element, which he included in a similar, but not identical, scene of his own—using the element only to reference the other work—then it be considered homage. It’s subjective, much like Fair Use.

 _Axanar_ , I believe, falls more on the homage side of the line than the plagiarism side. The two tactics are used in an entirely different context from the ones in which they were developed, and the combining of the two is a unique presentation of them. That said, I still find it lazy writing. As I noted in the sporks, if _Axanar_ was intended to be perceived as a part of canon, even if unofficially—and a lot of the hype really fed the idea that it would be more faithful to the ‘verse than other fan films, allowing fans to integrate it into their personal canon—then it undermines the achievements of Kirk and Spock in the future. No longer are they the great innovators; they’re just copying what they remember Garth doing at Axanar. To my mind, it would have been better had Garth come up with a plan equal to something Kirk and Spock would develop, but wholly unique to the character, place, and time. The problem is that it would require that level of creativity on the part of the writers, and that’s a hard thing to do.

The lines that are taken from _Wrath of Khan_ , fall less obviously on the homage side of the line than the plagiarism side. Indeed, I would suggest that they are right on it. Why? Because they don’t come from the character of Kharn and the other characters, and there is too little difference in context between the original and second works.

The first lines from _Wrath of Khan_ , are between Chang and Kharn.

> **Kretar REELS. There’s massive DAMAGE now. EXPLOSIONS.**
> 
> **Chang: My Lord, we’re losing power. We must withdraw!**
> 
> **Kharn: No! Cut off the enemy’s head and the body will wither. Ares must be destroyed!**

Chang takes the Joachim role here, while Kharn plays—well, he plays Khan. There is no way the similarity between those two names is coincidental.

Still, despite the similarities between their names, they are not similar characters. Kharn is written as quite level headed and normal (for a Klingon). He’s not driven by the massive ego that Khan has, nor does he have the tragic backstory that makes him suicidally focused on his goals. He’s not an Ahab.

Chang, on the other hand, could be an Ahab. He’s unstable. His whole character identity is “violence before reason.” And, yet, the writers have him playing the level-headed one.

There’s no reason for this switch, which says to me that the writers really wanted to include a cool exchange from _Wrath of Khan,_ but didn’t have a place for it. So, they jammed it in where it made no sense.

The better move would have been to have Chang give the order to keep fighting, Kharn protest, and Chang argue for the continued pursuit of the _Ares_. Although it would have been roughly the same as _Wrath of Khan_ , there would have been characterization to support it. Furthermore, it would’ve opened up opportunities for the writers to add their own unique spin to the dialogue.

The second exchange is a little less similar, but still very clearly _Wrath of Khan_ to a Trek fan.

> **The damage is extensive. PANELS SHORT, FIRES BURN. Kharn stands in the center of it all, with fury in his eyes.**
> 
> **K’Orax: My Lord, our shields are down!**
> 
> **Kharn: Raise them!**
> 
> **K’Orax: Inoperative!**

It’s a far less dynamic exchange than the original, which is perhaps its greatest sin. Although there are slight differences in wording, it’s the same context—this time with K’Orax in the Joachim role—which makes it stand out as having come from _Wrath of Khan_.

This static exchange reveals another problem with _Axanar_ when it’s compared to the sources of its inspiration: it focuses on the wrong things. A “writerly” way of putting it would be to say that _Axanar_ uses summary, where it should use scenes.

For example, here’s how the audience learns about the remote-control strategy in _Axanar_. (The perspective is from aboard Garth’s ship.)

> **Arev (V.O.) (filtered): Ares, T’Val. The lead D-7 appears to be sending us a signal of some kind using its low energy shields.**
> 
> **Garth: A signal? On a specific frequency?**
> 
> **Arev (V.O.) (filtered): Yes. We are testing it now. (beat) We have penetrated the D-7’s systems. Attempting to lower shields…their shields are down.**
> 
> **Garth: Bless you, Corax. (thumbs the com) Alexei, now…energize! (to Cross) Helm, disengage. Get us clear!**

Yeah, the whole thing happens in a phone call. Compare to [the original.](https://youtu.be/WCpYqWAIwFA?t=6m) (It’s never a bad time to watch a scene from _Wrath of Khan_. The volume on that clip is loud, though, so beware.)

It’s a breathtakingly brilliant scene. If you start at the beginning, the first thing you get is the character of Kirk, his flaw for this movie on display. Admiral Kirk is rusty, and ignoring regulations despite feeling something is wrong about the encounter; Captain Kirk would never have let reliant get so close. Khan’s victory comes not from superiority, but from the superior commander’s mistake. This occurs through close to four minutes of action, reaction, and dialogue.

When Khan makes himself known, his character is on full display. It’s not enough for his ego if he wins, Kirk must also know it and acknowledge his superiority. In doing so, he reveals his weakness to Kirk: he won’t have his intelligence insulted.

Thus, Kirk is in a Kobayashi Maru scenario—a second theme for this film—and he plays his strength: he changes the rules.

The exchange plays out over ten minutes of the film. That’s the only way you have prayer of developing character and theme to that extent. In _Axanar_ , it barley merits mention. There’s no struggle. This is Garth’s last ditch effort, and the film doesn’t develop it, preferring to spend that time on nameless waves of CGI ships blowing each other up.

The same goes for the second tactic taken from Official Trek.

This is hilarious. Abrams _et al._ paid homage to the _Wrath of Khan_ scene discussed above in the [_Into Darkness_ scene](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AuK_LBXE9_o), which _Axanar_ then incorporated into it’s own _Wrath of Khan_ reference.  It’s _Wrath of Khan_ all the way down.

Anyway, whatever you think about Abrams’ use of pastiche, and whatever you think about Orci, Kurtzman, and Lindelof, they still did better with it than _Axanar_. Why? They made it significant.

It’s as beautiful a scene as the original, but it still pulls its weight, drawing a lot of its meaning from viewers recognizing the parallels between it and _Wrath of Khan_. Here, the film shows us the character of Spock instead of Kirk. He embraces technicality, as he is a Vulcan, but beyond that, he does something Kirk would have done when faced with his own Kobayashi Maru: he changes the rules.

Significance is what _Axanar_ misses here. It has the pieces, but it’s unable to use them in a meaningful way. It makes the reference, but, unlike _Star Trek Into Darkness_ , it doesn’t make the reference its own. That’s why the entire event takes is summarized in a page instead of developed over several minutes. In doing so, the writers of _Axanar_ deprived themselves of the opportunity to create drama, reveal character, and illustrate theme.

To my mind, that’s a worse mistake for a fan film than a little borrowing here and there.


End file.
